"Rudolph is a publicity-hungry, egomaniacal fraud," the Times quotes Blitzen as saying. "The guy has one stupid gimmick, and he's made an entire career out of it. The rest of us do all the heavy lifting, but where's Blitzen's animated TV special, huh? Where's Blitzen's song?"

These sentiments have allegedly been echoed by the rest of Santa's fleet - Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid and Donner - who dispute much of the officially authorized story of Rudolph, immortalized in the 1939 hit song by advertising copywriter Robert L. May.

The reindeer take particular offence to the allegation that they refused to let Rudolph participate in their reindeer games because of his physical deformity. "Rudolph would run off crying like a little bitch every time Cupid beat him at one-on-one,” says Donner, “and he cheated like you wouldn’t believe. We were playing soccer once, and when he and Comet were racing for the ball, WHAM! Rudolph kicked him right in the balls.”

Even the story of how Rudolph allegedly guided Santa’s sleigh on a foggy Christmas Eve is disputed. “That so-called ‘fog’ came from the giant bong Rudolph and some of the elves had rigged up behind the barn,” says Cupid. “The guy is a serious pothead. And that red nose? I think the 26-ouncer of Old Crow he polishes off every evening might have something to do with it.”

Santa Claus referred all questions to his solicitors. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer issued a statement through his spokesperson, dismissing the allegations as motivated by greed and jealousy. “Prancer did get his own movie in 1989”, he said, “and it couldn't even make $20M at the box office.”