The comedy of Macbeth

Iowahawk posts a special guest commentary from dissident "Army Ranger" Jessie Macbeth:

...I channeled my anger into my Civic, adding a bitchin' body kit from Pep Boys, nitrous, and a sweet 4" exhaust tip, but the cops busted me for 300 mph over the limit. Without a diploma or any way to pay the $500,000 speeding fine, the angry judge gave me the hard alternatives: jail, the Army, or male modeling school.

A week later I busting my hump in basic at Fort Kill, slogging through the mud and razor wire with live gun bullets swooshing over my head. The Texas heat was hotter and crispier than a Spicy Chicken DeLuxe, but I was oddly enjoying it. Sergeant Fury, the camp's shift manager, frequently praised my natural killer instincts and tidy uniform. I had already learned the Army's two main rules: A) kill or be killed, and B) employees must wash hands after using the latrine (for you civilians, "latrine" is the name we professional Army people call the toilet).

[...]

One afternoon I was practicing my kung fu grip on my wingman, Maverick, when the Sarge gave us the call: "Pack up your stuff," he said ominously. "It's time to cap some hadjis." Three hours later we were parachuting into Fallujah, wondering what our secret mission would be. When I landed in the courtyard of the Iraqi Montessori school, I realized the horrible truth: "Operation Iraqi Freedom" was actually "Operation Iraqis - Fry Them."

It was too late to turn back now. I waded into the crowd of screaming moppets with both machine guns blazing, cutting down row after row of toddlers as the Sarge barked orders to keep killing - "hit the A button! hit the A button!!!". When I ran out of ammo I used my bayonet to kill some more until the blade broke off, and then I began bludgeoning the remaining toddlers with other toddlers and toddler parts. Finally I collapsed on the floor in a daze, completely out of health points.

Damian P.

Posted by damian at May 24, 2006 01:11 PM